AHEAD OF THE CURVE AT MIDLIFE » Transitioning

How Empty is Your Nest?

Kathleen Daniel — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 05:01:32 +0000

Are you the chief cook and bottle washer of a “multi-generational boarding house”? A recent survey by VibrantNation.com shows that nearly 2/3 of boomer women report that one or more of their adult children have returned home to live – and that nearly half of them have brought one or more of their own children along. And this, by the way, is on top of the 13% of women who report that their parents or in-laws are living with them. According to Stephen Reily, founder of Vibrant Nation, the recession is making the “empty nest” a historical relic, at least for boomers.” They are footing the bill for their children, grandchildren and in some cases, parents who have moved into their homes, assuming multi-generational housing responsibilities not seen since the Great Depression.

According to the survey:

• 63% have an adult child living with them now, and most expect them to stay for more than a year
• Only 41% of these women report having returned to live at home as adults themselves
• 27% have grandchildren living under the same roof
• 13% have parents or in-laws living with them as well
• 70% blame the economy as the reason for this outcome.

How do these midlife mothers feel? Well, many are feeling stressed. 39% report that the experience has either strained or worsened their relationship with the adult child living with them. They also continue to make personal sacrifices: 71% report that living in a multi-generational household makes it harder for them to achieve their personal goals.

Uncertainty Drives Boomers to Retire at Home, in Cities, and to Keep Options Open

Kathleen Daniel — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 10:25:10 +0000

Early census data is confirming a trend we noted earlier, that those of us looking towards retirement are opting to age in place rather than retreating to the Sunbelt. In fact, we’re choosing to live closer to cities to keep work options open. Boomers helped fuel growth in retirement destinations, now we’re playing a role in their decline. By 2016 seniors will make up nearly 25% of the working population, holding onto jobs to offset decreased home values and stock portfolios. Yet - as if to underline uncertainty as the sign of the times – this analysis reported by the Boston Herald says that after 2018 there will be jobs shortage in key sectors because of baby boomers’ retiring. Huh? I don’t know if there’s a better case to be made for living in the ‘now’ and following your own heart to find your purpose. Information and guideposts on trends from external sources are way too risky to bank your future on.

Letting Go: A Practice to Forgive, Forget and Heal Hurts

Kathleen Daniel — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 16:11:41 +0000

While you’re reviewing your intentions for the year and deciding what you want to let go of and what you want to take with you this year, releasing a hurt, thought, injury or old issue may well be on your agenda. Use this simple process as a tool to help you. A ritual is a series of focused actions taken with a specific goal in mind. Use this process to analyze, specify and release a hurt, thought, injury or issue in your life. Part of the extensive site of the Love and Forgiveness campaign by the Fetzer Institute, its series of beautiful panels set to music takes you through a powerful ritual of focused questions and thoughts with the goal of helping you to let go and forgive. Leave the past in the past and free more of your energy to help shape an open future of possibility.

Carolyn Myss: Why You Settle For Less

Kathleen Daniel — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:24:14 +0000

A central dilemma to come to terms with in so many midlife passages Carolyn Myss tackles the ‘spiritual stickiness’ of settling for less than what you want, in this piece on Oprah. Myss bypasses the easy answer of looking at ‘settling’ as a passive choice that lets you off the hook for the choices you’ve made that have given you what (you say) you don’t want. But then she digs deeper. How she resolves this dilemma reminds me of Werner Erhard’s admonition that “happiness is choosing what you’ve got.” Every choice does matter – even the passive ones, she says, and deep in your gut, you know it: “I would never have chosen this, but I am so glad I’m here.” On the mark. While at some level you may feel that life is passing you by, at another level there is a reckoning, a coming to terms with choices you’ve made as reflecting who you actually are, not as who you might like to imagine that you are.

But her later description of “wants” seems to skim the surface, overlooking deep desires that we have that are based on driving values rather than on the simple pain-pleasure principle she suggests.

What about those hard, active choices we are sometimes called to make? What about wants that are based on authentic values, i.e. those that point to passions that motivate us to fulfill a deeper kind of purpose? For people in midlife, it’s very possible that choices that were authentic in an earlier stage of life are no longer the leading forces in our nature. Healing happens. People learn. Life changes, as does our understanding of ourselves, life and the limits – and possibilities – of both.

Yes, to the necessity of accepting ‘settling’ for what we now have as perhaps exactly the deeper level of self-acceptance we need to follow as the next growing edge of our lives. But what about when ‘settling’ is settling for a past that no longer feeds what’s emergent in our lives as we perceive it, and want it? It’s certainly ideal when we can create bridges in all areas of our lives, bringing the present and past forward towards a new future direction of our choosing. But sometimes it happens that you are both grateful for your life AND it’s time to leave some things behind.

What do you think?

Commit to Taking the Drama – and Trauma – Out of Your Divorce

Kathleen Daniel — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 17:48:13 +0000

Going through divorce is by nature painful enough on so many levels, commit to not adding to your stress by making it as peaceful as you can. Don’t fill it with high drama and conflict, but acknowledge the sadness, pain and loss on all sides, and try not to increase it. Start with intention and with the language you use. These authors suggest as an alternative that you can have an inner dialog that sounds something like this: “I am faced with a situation and I have a choice. I can let my emotions run this thing, look for the most cut throat lawyer in town and go in for the kill or I can save my time, money and soul by avoiding court. What options do I have that will make this process as pain free as possible? How can I protect my rights and be fair to the other person? I know everyone wants to get the best deal they can, so how can we set up a win/win?” Food for thought.

The Changing Face of Retirement: From Sun City to Aging in Place

Kathleen Daniel — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 10:19:02 +0000

With the debut of the first ‘modern’ retirement facility in Sun City, Arizona in 1960, replete with golf courses, recreation centers and activities clubs, it’s been 50 years that Americans’ ideas have shifted about retirement. Sun City recast the idea of retirement as a non-working life of limited opportunity to one of possibility and productivity. Now a new Sun City Festival has opened, but with a difference: most people living there are either employed, active or doing some kind of community service. And they have internet cafes, continuing education classes, and lots of singles. But with more choices now, only about 6% of homeowners over 65 live in communities like these. Instead, the tide is turning to “aging in place,” to living in the house you’ve lived in for the last 20 or 30 years and to make it work there. Some 70% of seniors spend the rest of their lives in the place where they celebrated their 65th birthday.

Indeed there are many initiatives and resources for communities and individuals for aging in place, including:

Aging in Place “The “E-cyclopedia” of housing options and information for
retirement, finance, insurance and care.” An practical resource to start you thinking about what you need to know and may need to age in place.

National Aging in Place Council. A support network of collaborative professional service providers that includes home health care companies, geriatric care managers, food and product delivery services, architects, interior designers, remodeling contractors, home maintenance professionals, landscaping contractors, transportation providers, financial planners, insurance companies, elder specialists and more.

Age in Place. Assitive technology assistance on the kinds of home and lifestyle modifications you’ll need to think about – from remodeling to technology and gadgets to how to finance it. Refers to things that can assist people with a variety of things, including communication, mobility, learning, recreation, overcoming or dealing with physical or mental challenges, and help dealing with daily life activities to enhance quality of life.

Aging in Place Initiative Aging in Place is an initiative of Partners for Livable Communities (Partners) and the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging to improve the livability of communities by promoting quality of life, economic development, and social equity by using community and economic development resources, and building public/private coalitions.

Partners for Livable Communities. Download their Technical Assistance Guide for Aging in Place to see a state- by-state breakdown of some of the local community initiatives they’ve helped support.

Certified Aging in Place Specialists. This program teaches the technical, business management, and customer service skills in the residential remodeling industry for home modifications for the aging-in-place. Search the directory to find professionals who hold CAPS certifications.

Free Fashion Teleseminar: 21 Tips for Looking Great and Dressing with Style

Kathleen Daniel — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:19:45 +0000

Egads, everyone seems to be in gear so early this year with teleclass offerings – or is it me, still savoring the post holiday quiet? In any case, regular readers, you are rewarded with these last minute updates. Image consultant Brenda Kinsel, author of several books for dressing with style after 40, also seen on Oprah, is offering a free teleseminar on Jan 12 on 21 Tips for Looking Great. If you can’t make it, register anyway, and and you’ll receive the recording after the class. It might also help you decide if you want to participate in her 4 week Fashion Boot Camp starting February 4th. The class will be based on her book, Fashion Makeover: 30 Days to Diva Style! She promises a more youthful and modern look, how to shop smart and to understand the mechanics of a working wardrobe. Not to worry if you miss both, Brenda’s Fashion Essentials: Look Fantastic in Your 40s, 50s and Beyond, is available as a free download anytime.

Conscious Money Teleseminar Series Starts on January 11

Kathleen Daniel — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 22:15:29 +0000

I want to insert this quick post here for anyone who may have getting control of your financial life high on your to-do list this year – anyone? Vicki Robin, well-known coauthor, with Joe Dominguez, of Your Money or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Achieving Financial Independence, is hosting a series of 12 speakers and activists on money, life, the economy and the future. The teleseminar is inexpensive, you can listen to the series, or sign up individually, and the first class is free. You also have an opportunity to dig deep with your own questions. Guests include Bill McKibben, David Korten, John Robbins, Lynne Twist, Olivia Mellon, and Victoria Castle, among others. The core messages are how we exchange our life energy for money, how to discover how much is enough, and how to get out of the money trap of purchasing products to solve problems to a life of financial freedom. Watch Vicki’s introduction here.

How Do You Handle Regret?

Kathleen Daniel — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 14:32:00 +0000

Regret stops mental growth suggests this director of a brain-based education institute. People who regret missed chances from the past tend to focus less on opportunities today – and only have more regrets to lament tomorrow.

“Regrets for failed finances, for what could have been, for caring words left unspoken, for dreams left unreached. Whether regrets for starting late, working little, spending much, failing tests, or trusting the wrong people, regret opens a crash course for more failure. You could say, it beams light on doors left unopened, yet fails to illumine opportunities ahead.”

Better instead to follow these suggestions to let go of regrets and enhance the natural plasticity of your brain, rewiring it with new neuron pathways that can transform your situation.

Counterintuitive Counsel to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Kathleen Daniel — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 20:09:39 +0000

This excerpt from Debbie Ford’s newsletter, The Light and Dark, paradoxically suggests diving directly into your shadow – nemesis and harbinger of midlife – to raise your self-esteem. An elegant tool to pierce the heart of the awakening at midlife.

“So how do we raise our self-esteem? There is only one way … I am here to tell you that it is the very thing that you despise and don’t want to be that can help you become the person you always wanted to be.

It was my weakness and suffering from addiction that brought me to my knees and opened me to greater realities. Arrogance is what made me believe I knew more than most people, and it was ignorance that made me get down on my knees every night for years and beg God for spiritual wisdom and new ways to integrate my emotional pain.

My fear of being called lazy gives me my drive. It is my vanity that dresses me in the morning and gets me to work out even when I’m tired. My fear of being a negligent mother makes sure that I go to all the flag football games (even when I’m busy) and drive my son to school (even when I’m tired and he could take the bus).

It is my greed and love for fine things that drive me to work when others are out partying, and it is my denial of the evil and angry judgments of others that allows me to stand in front of group after group and tout my message — to heal the split between the two forces that exist within each of us. And it is my depressive nature that birthed the Pollyanna in me that relentlessly tries to transform the untransformable and never gives up hope on the hopeless.

My feelings of inadequacy have me wake up in the morning and ask what I can do to make my world a better place. My need to matter, to be all used up when I die, was birthed out of the fear that I, Deborah Sue Ford, would die unnoticed, that I would be nothing more than a middle-class Jewish girl from Hollywood, Florida.”

You can read the entire excerpt from Chapter 4 from her book, Why Good People Do Bad Things: How to Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy on her website.