Feb
18
Carolyn Myss: Why You Settle For Less
February 18, 2010 | Leave a Comment
Posted by: Kathleen Daniel
A central dilemma to come to terms with in so many midlife passages Carolyn Myss tackles the ‘spiritual stickiness’ of settling for less than what you want, in this piece on Oprah. Myss bypasses the easy answer of looking at ‘settling’ as a passive choice that lets you off the hook for the choices you’ve made that have given you what (you say) you don’t want. But then she digs deeper. How she resolves this dilemma reminds me of Werner Erhard’s admonition that “happiness is choosing what you’ve got.” Every choice does matter – even the passive ones, she says, and deep in your gut, you know it: “I would never have chosen this, but I am so glad I’m here.” On the mark. While at some level you may feel that life is passing you by, at another level there is a reckoning, a coming to terms with choices you’ve made as reflecting who you actually are, not as who you might like to imagine that you are.
But her later description of “wants” seems to skim the surface, overlooking deep desires that we have that are based on driving values rather than on the simple pain-pleasure principle she suggests.
What about those hard, active choices we are sometimes called to make? What about wants that are based on authentic values, i.e. those that point to passions that motivate us to fulfill a deeper kind of purpose? For people in midlife, it’s very possible that choices that were authentic in an earlier stage of life are no longer the leading forces in our nature. Healing happens. People learn. Life changes, as does our understanding of ourselves, life and the limits – and possibilities – of both.
Yes, to the necessity of accepting ‘settling’ for what we now have as perhaps exactly the deeper level of self-acceptance we need to follow as the next growing edge of our lives. But what about when ‘settling’ is settling for a past that no longer feeds what’s emergent in our lives as we perceive it, and want it? It’s certainly ideal when we can create bridges in all areas of our lives, bringing the present and past forward towards a new future direction of our choosing. But sometimes it happens that you are both grateful for your life AND it’s time to leave some things behind.
What do you think?
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